To be honest, I wasn't totally surprised. It had been slowly dawning on me that it appeared that Daniel was questioning his faith. He was reading atheist websites and watching debates on YouTube and was speaking about "Christianity" in a less and less personal way. Earlier that Tuesday evening as Daniel was watching a presentation on YouTube called "The God Who Wasn't There" I was thinking - "what if Daniel becomes an atheist? Could I still love him and remain committed to him?" Right there I decided that yes, whatever happened with Daniel I would still love him. Even if he lost his faith.
The Bible is very clear what someone in my position is supposed to do:
1 Peter 3
1Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. 5For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, 6like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.
1 Corinthians 7
13And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
15But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?
So on that never-to-be-forgotten Tuesday night I told Daniel that I loved him whether he believes in God or not and then I listened as Daniel told me his story of how he lost his faith. I heard a lot of hurt behind his words, a lot of frustration and dissapointment too. For the first time in my life I knew Daniel really trusted me and that he was finally convinced of my committment to him. I cried as Daniel said he felt like he'd lost everyone but me.
It's been very difficult and almost surreal. Daniel and I have built our entire lives around our belief in God, we have taught our girls to know and trust in God, now that Daniel denies the existence of God... it is hard to even put into words how painful that is. At the same time this has been a very clarifying experience. I see very clearly what is important and what is not. God has been very good to me, I see His grace at work in my life, encouraging me and strengthening me in my faith.
Daniel has been very gracious. He's allowed me to carry on "as usual". I am looking for a new church. He's made it very clear that he loves me and is committed to our marriage and my happiness. He's obviously come out from under a dark cloud of discouragement - he's been more gentle and helpful with the girls, more open with me. He's still my loving, giving, good husband. I love him now more than ever.
So anyway, I think that for now it would be best if I don't blog for awhile. I'll still be writing, just not publishing my thoughts on the internet! I don't want to vent (there's a super-great article about that at ungrind) but I also don't want to create a facad and I really need the "extra" time that I spend here blogging to be with the Lord and write in my journal.
Please pray for us! Pray that my faith would be strong and that God would make his presence more and more manifest to me. Pray that we'll find a church that will wrap its arms around our whole family and be a community of support to me. Pray that our girls will be protected. But if you pray for nothing else please pray that the hurt that has led Daniel to this place will heal and God would draw Daniel to Himself again.
I will continue to post photos on my photo-share page. So if you'd like to see how our family is growing please visit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/faith-raider/ I've disabled comments on this post. If you'd like to contact me you can do so via email. Blogging has been an awesome experience. I'll miss you.
Thank you for reading my blog.