Monday, August 28, 2006

Hello again

It seems like there is always so much to write about... things I have been thinking about, reading about, that I've seen and done... I never know where to begin or end, really. I guess that's also why I've blogged so infrequently rececntly, there is just too much to say.
This past Saturday was my birthday and I'd have to say that it was one of the best birthdays I've had in years. I was bracing my self for the nearly inevitable wave of depression, the whole "what am I doing with my life?" ordeal, but instead I felt so loved. Daniel bought be roses on Monday and we had a "date night at home" he also bought me the book Captivating, which I am devouring at an astonshing pace! He also bought me Nooma #1 He took the girls out another evening so that I could have some much needed quiet time, the next night we had an enormous fight but we reconciled with each other and that made the rest of the week extra-sweet. Daniel bought "Jesus, One and Only" by Beth Moore from and it arrived on Friday, On my actual birthday I went out for coffee with a college-age friend, then Daniel & I went out for lunch which was fun. I thought we would have all of this deep stuff to talk about but we'd dealt with it already so we just enjoyed each other's company! How special. We went dress shopping. It was the most fun we've had "out" in a long time. Daniel would point out these sexy dresses and tell me I should try that one on. I didn't. For a couple minutes I was feeling down after I'd said "too plain. too short. that's got pleats. that's too cool a color to look good on me. too tight, too big!!!" But we found a really cute dress which I wore on Sunday and I have to admit I felt so attractive.
But then I also found out that I wanted to hide. I wanted to wear a big sweater to cover myself up, I wanted to hide in a corner, hide from Daniel's comments. At one point he'd told me how great I look so many times I told him I was going to have to take the dress back to the store. I wonder why it is that I long to be beautiful but then I am afraid of being noticed?
I have always been an odd one out. I have two sisters, blond hair, blue eyes, very beautiful, very good with people. I've often been told that when people would meet me with my sisters they think that I was adopted. Especially after my blond-haired blue-eyed brother was born. I've never been able to fit in. For a while I filled the place of "Daddy's girl" but my brother was born and I was supplanted. I have felt like my sisters are like beautiful parks; their trees are bright green and their lawns are filled with people, bursting with color and the sound of laughter. Whereas I am like the Secret Garden in Frances Hodgeson Burnett's classic novel. I am trying to learn that that is an acceptable form of beauty and to embrace it as my own, I just wonder how I fit in.
And then I am so challenged. Challenged to be awake, to be truly alive to the world I am in. It seems like such a long time since I have lived in that kind of mindset. When I think back to the time in my life when I was "awake" and "alive" I had such a mixed-up ideal that it did me very little good. I remember studying how to give a response that was neither positive or negative. I would say "Well, that is very interesting" or unique or whatever. I would make it my ideal to be sure that no one would be able to tell when it was my time of the month. I've been thinking about that ideal a lot today as it is my time of the month and I have felt more-or-less-completely rotten for about a week and a half. I even put my face in the freezer and criend when I couldn't figure out what to fix for supper. Good grief.
Along that same line, I was late this month and I'm sure you know all about the drama that accompanies such an occurance. So I went to Wal-Mart for a P-Test and discovered that you can buy reusable pregnancy test. There is a seperate package of refill strips you can buy for it. I actually laughed out loud right there in Wal-Mart. I wonder what the people around me were thinking. This crazy woman with her three kids laughing at pregnancy tests. I bought a digital pregnancy test. What freedom! It said there very clearly "Not Pregnant" and I will never buy the "two line" type of test again!


Karen Hevesy said...

Is your birthday the 26th? That's my birthday too! I'm guessing you're not 41, (I am). Luckily there's no doubt in my mind I do not need a pregnancy test! Happy Belated Birthday. We are celebrating my birthday son has been sick so we postponed it.

jul said...

I can almost all of it! I had the same experience kind of a few weeks ago but didn't need the test thank goodness. I have 3 as well and we'll be in the middle of moving soon and didn't exactly want to be throwing up too. Maybe that's too much info. Anyway, I'm glad you're enjoying Captivating and if it helps to know this,I was really emotional while I was reading it. It really showed me how much of life I live in survival mode, not really living life to the full and not living out what I know God has called me to be. Sometimes it's too easy to just live trying to be what you're told you're supposed to be, instead of what you know God has for you. Glad you had a good birthday! Thanks for sharing with such honesty. It's very refreshing.

a suburban housewife said...

Faith, anyone who knows you will affirm that you are, indeed, beautiful inside AND out!!